5 Products that Define Consumerism

Who’s Buying This Stuff?

The Garden Yeti ($100-$2,250): Nothing says “Steal Me” or “Decrease the Marketability of my House” better than a Garden Yeti. This enigmatic product, courtesy of Skymall (I’m thinking everything in this list might be from a Skymall catalog), ranges from Medium “Gnome” Size to Actual “OMFG” Size. The lifesize version is potentially the scariest looking thing I’ve ever seen. I’m quite confident that no buyer has ever placed this in their garden without getting a notice from their Homeowner’s Association. You say you don’t have an HOA? Well, I’ll bet you that a group of high schoolers, at this very moment, are in a basement hatching a plan with a big whiteboard with the words “Steal the Yeti” at the top. The life-sized version can be yours for only $2,250. For that price, I expect it’ll include that little girl in the picture.

Cell Phone Holder ($12.99 + $5.95 Shipping): Hey, all you parents out there who can’t get their teens to remember their cell phones, this one is for you! Just one step removed from actually embedding the phone underneath the skin of your child, this fancy product removes whatever barrier you thought existed between biology and technology. Gone are the days where your teen “forgot her phone again.” Just strap on this bit of latex and all the kids will be saying how “cool” Janie’s parents are for ensuring that she’s never out of contact with her social umbilical cord. Courtesy of The Stichery (I hesitate to provide a link, lest you actually go and buy one), this product will run you less than an Andrew Jackson. Buy two or more for only $11.99 each (!), so you can get the whole family in on the action (for less!)—eliminating any need for interpersonal communication apart from the inevitable anthropophobia*counseling. Don’t ask me where you plug in the headphones.

Little Caesar’s Bacon-Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza (Large) ($12.00): Nothing says “love” like bringing home breakfast and dinner all in one slice. The two “Deeps” in the name means “twice the deep” in the pizza. Needing to cater to America’s voracious appetite, expanding waistlines, and insatiable need for new food combinations, The Caesar went above-and-beyond and can now serve up over 500 calories and 900 grams of sodium in a single slice. All the dads I talk to rave about how lethargic and docile their children become after just two slices of this miscreation. Those of legal age have even combined it with some red wine or a full-bodied pilsner in an effort to accelerate the onset of the “meat sweats.” Gone are the days where the kids leave the crusts on the plate. Feeling full? Then put those crusts in the fridge and serve them the next morning with some eggs and home fries! Bon Appetit!

Grillight LED Spatula ($24.95): Archimedes, da Vinci, Edison, Skymall. The list of history’s greatest inventors has certainly evolved over the years. It used to be you needed to come up with like, electricity or something in order to get yourself noticed. But, nowadays, just throw an LED on any old product and you’ve got yourself a bonafide invention. This doozie is for all those “night grillers” who love nothing more than to barbecue by moonlight. For these daring folks, a moonless sky use to mean going hungry—no longer! Gone are the days where total blackness meant feeling around the grilltop blind and with bare hands, clumsily turning the savory meats. And who needs all that ambient light that a deck light would provide. I want to see only the meat, nothing else!

Comfortable TV Listening Headband ($149.95): We’ve all been there. It’s 4 a.m. and we’re heading into our fourth hour of the P90X infomercial. A nagging sensation beckons the mind…fatigue. Before our friends at Skymall came along, that annoying need for sleep meant turning off the TV and missing out on an hour of more “transformation” photos of the P90X’ers. Not anymore! Fully equipped with speakers and connected via Bluetooth to your television, you can now leave your television on all night and have audio being pumped into your cerebral cortex unabated. A TV bed from the TV Bed Store also joins the features of a bed and television in one piece of furniture by tucking your flat screen away in the footboard. You can visit their website if you’re interested. Now, REM sleep stands for “Restless Exhausted Mind.” Imagine the vivid dreams we’ll have as commercials harass our senses even when they can’t take it for another second! I heard they’re even coming out with a  Version 2.0, which is equipped with a feature that causes you auto-purchase things you hear about in your dreams.

Happy Buying!